It should have been you
by Tikvah
Summary: An uninvited guest shows up at Neji's wedding and makes him face the fact that the person by his side is not the one his heart tells him should be there. Originally a oneshot, now with a second chapter.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Narutoverse; this story is just my imagination playing with the wonderful creations of Masashi Kishimoto.

Warnings: Un Beta'd, Slight OOC-ness, Shonen-ai, references to sexual situations and the appearances of a few OCs (nothing major tough)

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**Chapter I**

----------Neji----------

There was a silent knock on the door and Neji felt the presence of Hinata on the other side, he sighed silently through his nose, he didn't really have time for visitors now, he was supposed to get ready.

"You may enter, Hinata-sama"

The door opened and his cousin shyly walked into his room and eyed him up and down before she spoke.

"You really look handsome today…not that you don't look good on other days, I mean –"

He caught her eyes and cut of her nervous rambling with a hard look.

"You did not come here to tell me that, you are supposed to be outside waiting with everyone else so it must have been something of importance, please get to the point"

There was a feeling of uneasiness that grew in the pit of his stomach as he watched his cousin fall back into her old habit of playing with her fingers; she only did that when she felt unsecure or uncomfortable about something. If anyone was to feel unsecure today it was him and not Hinata, and yet she was the one fidgeting in front of him. She drew one deep breath and faced him with her pale eyes filled by some powerful emotion he could not quite decipher. Neji braced himself for whatever may come.

"Anou…"she sighed," the Konoha war leader has arrived…do you want me to send him away?"

Neji visibly flinched at that statement and his always so proud and straight posture deflated. His thoughts raced frantically through his mind and he heard his own voice quietly answer, thick with many conflicting emotions.

"No it'll be ok, just…give me a minute."

Hinata walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture before she turned to leave the room, stopping in the doorway to give one long sympathetic look at her older cousin before she closed the door behind her.

As he heard the sound of the door being closed again Neji sank down on his knees and buried his face in his hands. Emotions he thought he had successfully buried and forgot were racing through his being and he was defenseless against the waves of memories that accompanied them. Neji had thought that he had done enough to lock those thoughts away, that he had successfully killed that part of himself but here it was claiming his mind again and demanding something that he would never be able to give.

"Shikamaru…" the name left his lips in a soft whisper, his mind was being flooded and he silently let himself drown in the memories.

There was the rare feeling of freedom from lying on top of a hill silently gazing up at the clouds, the faint smell of fresh grass and forest, the smell of life, which always lingered in dark hair, the feel of thick locks beneath his fingers. Dark eyes that always held a glint of a mischievous intellect behind a bored and tired façade, the same eyes that could glow with such powerful emotions that it burned you heart. There was the image of birthmarks decorating tan skin just above the right hip, the way his sun kissed skin tasted at a soft spot below the left ear, the taste of a tongue dancing with his and the feel of safety falling asleep next to someone. The way he always said it was "troublesome" to choose between things when he really just wanted to make sure that Neji could have the freedom of deciding for himself for once. The sound of his name falling from parted lips in a soft moan, the way their bodies fitted together like two pieces of one whole. Hands in a familiar thinking pose over a game of shogi, the feel of those same hands on his skin. But strongest of all was the image of that one genuine smile lighting up a frowning face from inside whenever they touched.

Neji snapped back to reality when he felt tears starting to run down his cheeks. '_Damn it!'_ He was beyond that now and there was no use in dwelling on a past he could never take back. He stood up and checked himself in a mirror, smoothing out the small creases in the over luxurious yukata he was wearing before taking a deep breath and putting his face back into an emotionless mask. Hidden behind wrappings the seal still seemed to gleam menacing at him from the mirror and he felt sick to his stomach, all his life had been controlled by those green lines and even if he pretended, even if he said to himself over and over again that he could and would break free of his cage, the reality was that as long as he lived he would never be free. The only freedom he had right now was choosing between two things he didn't want.

He could do as they wanted him to, and thereby also choosing to accept his cage forever, which he didn't want. Or he could try to defy them again, the seal would perish…but so would he, which he didn't want, for as much as his life seemed to hate him, he never hated it.

Slowly he got up and left his room, walking along the maze that was the Hyuuga compound with slow steps until he reached the main hall where everyone was waiting for him. They sat positioned in a semi circle along the walls which left a clear area in the middle where one single person sat waiting. He straightened his posture and calmly stepped forward; his gaze shifted over the crowd and immediately spotted a familiar hairdo before locking itself upon the one person in the middle. He sat down next to the woman and she offered him a small smile which he did not return, his eyes shifted towards Shikamaru again. When his eyes suddenly met with sharp dark ones only one single thought passed through Neji's mind.

'_It should have been you.'_

--------------Shikamaru---------------

'_Troublesome'_. That was the only word he could think to himself as he found himself walking down the familiar road to the Hyuuga compound. He had not planned to do this, in fact he had planned to stay in his bed and sleep the entire day… that plan had failed, however, when his mother barged into his room, yelling about one thing or the other. He knew it was a stupid plan to begin with but he really wished that he could have just gone to bed and sleep the day away… then it would be like today didn't even exist. He really wished that today could be erased from history but apparently his wishes were never meant to come true in the first place. And as foolish it may seem deep down he knew that he just could not stay away, something compelled him to go even if he knew that it would probably be more painful than staying away. '_Tch, troublesome'_.

All too soon the wall of the compound came into view along with it the two guards outside of the entrance. Disturbingly familiar pale eyes studied him as he approached, one of them subtly activating their bloodline and shifting into the beginning of a fighting stance, while the other stepped forward and blocked his way.

"State your name, rank and your business within the compound"

Shikamaru sighed, he knew it was all protocol and he had done it countless of times before, but it was a waste of time since he knew the guards recognized him from at least 500 meters away, he hated to do things without purpose.

"Nara Shikamaru, Chuunin and war leader of Konoha, I am here to see Hyuuga Neji of the Bunke"

The guard who had his bloodline activated nodded to show that he had understood and just a few second later he turned towards Shikamaru, eyes now relaxed, and gave an apologetic bow.

"My apologies warleader-sama, but Hyuuga Neji is currently unavailable due to clan affairs"

He felt like slapping himself in the face, of course Neji would be busy, sometimes he wondered if his 200+ IQ was nothing more than an illusion.

"Then I wish to speak to his cousin, Hyuuga Hinata of the Souke."

One more nod from the guard and after checking the compound with his byakugan he disappeared in a silent poof only to return a moment later.

"Hinata-sama is willing to see you; I will escort you to her."

The winding corridors of the compound was so familiar to him, but still so very different…he had always had Neji to guide him and he had felt safe and welcome but now in the company of the guard the walls seemed nothing but cold and he felt like he was an intruder in the world of the Hyuuga clan. They stopped outside of a pair of highly decorated doors and the guard announced their presence. Hinata opened the door and let him in before she dismissed the guard. She turned towards him with a sad look in her eyes.

"Why did you come here Shikamaru-kun? It was not to talk to me was it?"

He turned his head away from her and shook his head. But why had he come here? He wasn't really sure, the plan was nothing like this and yet here he was, standing in the main quarter of the Hyuuga compound. He took a deep breath and turned to face Hinata again, her face still filled with concern. She was the only one except Ino and Chouji who knew about his real relationship with Neji since they were forced to keep it a secret.

"I'm not sure. I guess…I just wanted to see him." _So that he knows I'm not blaming him, so he knows that no matter what happens I will always be there. So he knows that I won't forget about him. So he knows that I still… _

Hinata studied his face for a while and he had no trouble figuring out why, to put it simple: he looked like shit and he knew it. He had lost weight and his skin was paler than usual, almost shifting towards grey from picking up smoking again and staying inside without bothering to eat properly. He was certain he had bags under his eyes from all the nights he had stayed up unable to sleep and his hair, even though tied up in the normal way, was messy. He knew he should have put it behind him by now, it had been almost three months, but he just couldn't let go. Hinata slowly nodded and her face changed from being full of concern to show determination.

"You are not really supposed to be here Shikamaru, it is a clan gathering after all… but as long as Neji-nii is okay with it I think you should stay." Her voice became soft as she almost whispered the next part. "I think it would give him strength…he suffers more than you know."

She shook her head a bit and then turned to leave the room.

"You should wait here while I go find him, it won't take long"

When the door closed behind her Shikamaru let out a breath he wasn't really aware that he had been holding. _He suffers more than you know._ Hinatas words echoed in his mind and even if he knew it was selfish he couldn't help but feel a little bit comforted by that thought.

Three months ago Neji had showed up in his room in the middle of the night and Shikamaru just knew that something was wrong, Neji's eyes were cold and distant, his voice stiff. It was the same hard surface he had seen Neji use so many times towards the elders of the Hyuuga clan, polite but without any trace of emotions. They never kept anything secret from one another; he used to be the only one Neji never used any defenses against. It hurt to have Neji use that wall towards him.

_"Neji…what's wrong? Did something happen?" Shikamaru slowly approached the figure standing just inside the open window through which he had entered. He slowly raised his hand to stroke the older teens chin but was chocked when Neji slapped his hand away._

_"Do not touch me"_

_Shikamaru visibly flinched at the tone of voice Neji used, something was off and he was now really worried about his lover. He carefully stepped closer and tried to ignore the pain he felt as Neji turned his head away from him._

_"Neji…look at me, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."_

_"This has to end now Shikamaru"_

_Neji's voice was so distant, and Shikamaru grew cold as his mind supplied him with different possibilities on what the Hyuuga might be referring to. The most likely conclusion frightened him. He forced his lips to move even though he just wanted to close his eyes and pretend that this was just a bad dream._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_That was when Neji turned to face Shikamaru again and for the first time he was frightened by those pale eyes, veins clearly visible at the temples and devoid of any emotion. Their gaze directed straight at him cold and dangerous, like ice._

_"This whole you and me thing, it ends now. I'm done with you"_

_Somewhere in the back of his mind a small voice told him that he should have known that this would be coming. He knew it wasn't something possible to last and a small part of him felt that he never had deserved to have Neji in the first place. Neji was too perfect, too beautiful to be with someone like him. He was that kind of person cut out for an average life, average wife and average kids, for someone like him that was the future he could expect. Neji was different, he was meant for something above that, something more than average...something more than him_

_"But I…Neji, why?"_

_He hated how his voice cracked, he hated his heart for hurting but most of all he hated the hard mask on Neji's face. He wanted to rip it off, he wanted to punch him just to get a reaction but he knew he wouldn't stand a chance if he tried. The cold eyes narrowed and a scowl appeared as that cold, distant voice hissed at him._

_"Because I have better things to do with my life than screwing around with some lazy-ass chuunin. The Hyuuga elders would not approve of their "prodigy" fucking someone; least of all another guy and I'd rather not risk my life for a good fuck… that's all there ever was to it anyway."_

_Then he turned to jump out the window but Shikamaru caught his arm._

_"You don't mean that; tell me you don't mean that!"_

_In that moment, just for a second, the mask fell from Neji's face and he leaned forward and pressed their lips together softly before moving and whispering into the crook of Shikamaru neck._

_"It's okay to hate me Shika… I'm sorry"_

_Before he had a chance to respond to the sudden change in behavior he felt two fingers at his right temple and then a rush of chakra as he was effectively put unconscious by the gentle fist._

At first he had just wallowed in his self pity and he truly believed every word that the Hyuuga had said, a good fuck, that was all he had been to Neji. He had lain awake wondering if things would have been different if he would have told Neji how he truly felt. Would things have turned out better…or just more painful? It wasn't until a week later that he found out about the engagement and then everything had clicked in his mind. Neji probably thought that things would be easier if Shikamaru hated him and believed that he never wanted them to be together in the first place. Neji had been trying to protect him, which meant that he still cared. That thought had helped him a lot, Neji didn't hate him and he knew this but still sometimes late at night the words from that night crept back to him and poisoned him again.

_He suffers more than you know_… Shikamaru almost smiled as a weight seemed to leave his chest. All those harsh words really were nothing more than lies, conjured to help him cope with their breakup.

The soft sound of a door sliding open brought him back from his thoughts just in time to see Hinata reentering the room. She smiled softly at him and gave him a look-over.

"I think we should get you a bit shaped up before the ceremony starts."

***

He followed Hinata through the massive corridors until they reached a large room which was filled with members of the Hyuuga clan. He briefly felt his chest contract, everywhere he looked was that same pale skin contrasted by long dark hair. Pearl white eyes regarded him curiously, wondering why he was there but quickly turning away as Shikamaru felt Hinata grab his hand. He thanked her silently and they moved to take their place in the crowd.

He spotted the girl waiting in the middle of the room. She was young, maybe not older than fifteen, and, he realized with a stab of jealousy, very beautiful. The kimono she wore was a rich red color decorated with gold birds that made her pale skin seem almost luminescent and her hair as dark as onyx. Beneath long lashes were the always so easy recognizable white eyes of the Hyuuga exaggerated with the help of a dark eye shadow. Her long thick hair was pulled up gracefully with thin gold beads and pearls that were bound around her head like a crown. That was when Shikamaru realized that there was no seal on her forehead. He turned his eyes to Hinata who was also looking at the young woman.

"She is very beautiful…who is she?"

Hinata looked at him a bit surprised by his question but soon turned her head back towards the girl.

"Yes she is, her name is Hitomi… she is the daughter of my father's cousin."

Shikamaru nodded silently, so she was not only of the Souke but the daughter of one of the Hyuuga elders as well. He wondered if she wanted this marriage, if she had chosen it by her free will or if she was also forced into it. He wondered if she had left someone special behind and if that someone was here today. Probably not, he was the only one stupid enough to do something like that.

Suddenly the atmosphere changed drastically and as soon as he turned his head to the left Shikamaru realized why, Neji was slowly walking into the room. His heart felt like it was going to shatter once more, he was even more beautiful than Shikamaru had remembered, with his head held up high and dressed in a stunning yukata Neji looked nothing less than royalty. But even so his face was cold and hard, the mask firmly in place. Shikamaru's heart suddenly jumped as Neji's eyes turned towards him and he quickly lowered his gaze.

_He suffers more than you know_… Hinatas words once more ran through his head and he looked at that proud figure settling down next to Hitomi. White eyes suddenly met his and he thought he saw a flicker of emotion before Neji turned his head away again. Hinata saw the exchange between her cousin and Shikamaru and leaned closer to him.

"He has acted like he doesn't care all this time, he tries not to show it but you can see it in his eyes, it is like he's not really there… he really misses you"

Shikamaru said nothing, he had seen it too in that small moment when their eyes met, but then the coldness was back and Neji once more the ice queen of Konoha, so distant and so far out of any ones reach.

The ice queen, the rookie nine used to call Neji that whenever he got stuck in his high-and-mighty personality but Shikamaru had seen sides of Neji the others never would and knew that Neji was nothing like a real ice queen. He had emotions just like everyone else… he just kept himself guarded and hid them behind the stoic face. In Neji's eyes showing feelings was like showing weakness, feelings could be used, could be toyed with. Shikamaru had quickly learned from Neji that when you grow up in the Bunke, your first and foremost enemy is not the Souke, but your own feelings. It was feelings like hatred and anger that would get you killed and in order to hide one emotion you must hold all of them back.

No, Neji was not an ice queen, he might seem harsh and cold but as soon as he let you get close to him you would know the difference between the distant Hyuuga from the Bunke and Neji as a person. Shikamaru smiled to himself as he conjured the image of the real Neji in his mind; the Neji who would give a low pearly laughter at something amusing, the Neji who liked to spend hours in the correspondence tower talking to the birds there, who loved to have someone stroke their fingers through his hair, who's smile and eyes were filled with warmth. That was the real Neji and he was nothing like that doll of ice in front of his eyes right now, nothing like the Neji he cared for, the one he stilled longed for so much it hurt him… his Neji.

Neither of them intended to end up with the other, they were just friends and had had every intention to stay that way. Sure, Shikamaru had thought that Neji was handsome, you would have to be blind to say otherwise, but he had never ever thought about him that way before _it_ happened. It was never supposed to, never their intention and still it did. Their first time was an accident never meant to happen.

Shikamaru still clearly remembered the mission that started the whole thing, they had been sent away at what was supposed to be an easy mission in rain country but it turned out to be quite the opposite.

_The air in the small cave where they had taken cover was thick with sweat, blood, adrenaline and testosterone from their bodies. Both of them were breathing heavily and had used up most of their chakra, after all the close calls that day they were lucky to be alive and they knew it. Their survival had nothing to do with Neji's fighting skills or Shikamaru's tactics, the only reason they were still breathing was because the odds had been on their side. They were both wounded, Shikamaru had a shuriken embedded in his left leg and Neji had a cut in his right side he received from a hidden dagger on the enemy's elbow as he was blocking the chakra points. Shikamaru had just finished wrapping his leg when he heard Neji call out to him._

_"Shikamaru, I need you to help me with this"_

_He looked up to see that Neji was currently trying to both hold the end in place, wrap the bandage around himself and tightening it at the same time, needless to say it wasn't working out very well. He shook his head as he took the roll of bandage from Neji and moved over._

_"Why even bother to try yourself when it's pretty obvious it's not going to work… troublesome Hyuuga. So how bad is it?"_

_Neji shrugged slightly and moved to give Shikamaru easier access to the wound._

_"Not that bad, it's just about a centimeter deep but it's going to open up every time I move if it's not bandaged and that could be, as you would say, troublesome."_

_He nodded and leaned closer as he started to unwind the bandage. Just as Neji said it wasn't a very serious wound and he quickly dressed it up and then checked to make sure that the ends were properly fastened so that it wouldn't come loose of its own._

_That was when he noticed the scars, a round silvery mark just below Neji's shoulder and another one like it just below his ribs on the left hand side, medically healed to be as small as possible but still almost five centimeters across. The mark from a battle in their past, a battle in which he had failed horribly, he had let everyone on his team down and almost lost them, he had almost lost Neji. Neji almost died that day…they both almost died today, but they didn't. They were still here, still alive._

_Shikamaru closed his eyes and he could feel the way his heart pounded steadily and strong as blood rushed through his veins and the way air swooshed in and out of his lungs as he breathed, it was like suddenly discovering a new detail in a picture you look upon every day. He was amazed by all the intricate functions that worked his body, almost dumbstruck by the power he felt he possessed even in this weakened state, he was alive and that was the most incredible thing he had ever experienced. He reached out and gently touched the silvery tissue with his fingertips, Neji could have been dead by now… beneath the scar he felt the steady rhythm of Neji's heart, he could have been dead but he wasn't. They were both alive, so very alive._

_"Shikamaru?" Neji's voice called him back into the present; it was low and soft, just little more than a whisper._

_His head snapped up from Neji's chest and found himself a little too close for comfort to Neji's face, those large pale eyes just centimeters away from his own. For a long moment they did nothing but stare at each other, listening to the sound of breathing. There was something hiding in Neji's eyes, behind the silvery mist he knew so well was an emotion stirring and he suddenly felt something akin to nervousness coursing through him. There was a new kind of tension in the air and in both their bodies, and it was growing steadily. It was like an enemy looming over them, just waiting to make his move._

_"Shikamaru…" Neji whispered his name again and that was when it pounced on them. They didn't know who made the first move but at that moment it didn't matter as they were kissing fervently, teeth smashing together and tongues almost harshly pushing against the other, wanting to taste more, needing to taste more. They were clawing at each other and everything became a blur as that pure energy, that overpowering feeling of need, consumed them._

When they returned to Konoha and had their medical checkup he had blamed his bruised and scraped knees on an imaginary earth jutsu belonging to an equally imaginary enemy. Then he and Neji had a really awkward conversation where they agreed that it hadn't meant anything and that it was just some kind of after battle effect.

After that everything was fine and back to normal for about three days until they found themselves alone on a training field and it happened again. It was like a drug, unconsciously they kept finding each other and it happened again, and again, and again even though they always said that it wouldn't. They told themselves that it should stop, but it didn't, it just grew bigger… deeper.

Shikamaru closed his eyes, it hurt to think about their time together but his thoughts refused to change direction. He had felt so safe and secure with Neji and that one time when Neji had turned to him and whispered with a smile _When I'm with you, like this, I think to myself: this must be what freedom feels like _it was probably the happiest Shikamaru had ever been. They both knew it couldn't last, but they couldn't force themselves to end it either. He opened his eyes again and looked at the couple in the middle bitterly. _'And we never needed to since they ended it for us'_.

A cool touch to his hand almost made him jump before he realized that it was Hinata stroking the back of his hand. Once more she leaned closer to him and whispered in his ear.

"He didn't just give you up you know, he did fight for you…four times. He defied the elders for you and he almost got away with it. One on one he would have outsmarted and fooled them but now he never really had a chance, he was just buying some time."

Surprised he turned to look at her and then back at Neji.

"I didn't know…tell me, how bad was it?"

It took a couple of seconds before Hinata realized what he meant and then her reply was bitter.

"Not too bad the first two times, the third time he had to stay in bead for a few days, the fourth time…" she shook her head "he came home from the hospital after one week but even then it took several days before he stopped being sensitive to sharp light."

Shikamaru was angry, hurt and angry. What kind of people would do that to their own family? But those were the clan rules of the Hyuuga and even if he desperately wanted to think of the elders as the enemies, the truth was that they were probably just as trapped and controlled by the rules as Neji.

Hinata stroked the back of his hand in a comforting gesture, trying to calm him down again, the Hyuuga was good at sensing other emotions and since he was a special guest it was extra important that he kept his mind calm.

"Shikamaru…I know this probably won't make a difference or make you feel better but still, I want you to know this; I truly believe that…" she turned her eyes towards Hitomi "…it should have been you."

----------Neji----------

After the initial shock of seeing Shikamaru and getting all of his feelings under control, Neji finally started to get rid of the burning feeling on his back and the almost itching need he felt to turn his head and look at his former lover. The ceremony was just about to end and after that there was only the open gathering to go through, and then he would never have to torture himself with the sight of Shikamaru again. Tomorrow he and Hitomi would be on their way out of Konoha, never to return.

The elders turned to him and asked him a question, he didn't hear it but he didn't need to. This was it, the final part. This was his last chance to try and break through the bars holding him in place. All he had to do was to stand up and raise his voice in protest; he raised his eyes to look upon the five elders in front of him. _Would they really kill me in front of all these people?_

A frown upon the face of Hitomis mother gave him his answer. Yes they would. To them he was just another one of the Bunke and they were all easily disposed of. If he would do something to disgrace the daughter of one of the elders it wouldn't matter that he carried the genes of the most advanced byakugan ever seen, it would not matter that he was closely related to one of the elders, none of that would matter since the honor of the Souke always came first. If he soiled Hitomis honor by refusing to marry her he would pay for it with his life. Still, wasn't that what he always aimed for at the battlefield, to not go down without a fight? To keep trying until you couldn't try any longer.

And he still could fight, he could refuse this marriage and even if it would cost him his life, he would finally have his freedom, right? He slightly shifted his eyes to the side and then sighed silently through his nose. Who was he trying to fool? If it was just about him, then he might have done it, but it wasn't. His uncle was here and so were Hinata and Hanabi…and Shikamaru. He himself had seen the seal being activated on his father, he had heard the screams of pure distilled pain, seen the way the body twisted and turned, trying to get away from an invisible attacker, and he just knew there was no way he could ever consciously force that sight upon any of them. Not when it still frequently haunted his nightmares.

All he had to do was to say the words they were waiting for and it would be over, just a couple of sentences. He drew a deep breath and kept his head high, his voice steady and proud as he let go of the fight against his cage along with his dreams for freedom.

"I promise with all that is my being; my body, mind and soul that I will always fight to protect Hyuuga Hitomi from all that might harm her. I promise that I will stand by her side in times of hardship as well as those of peace and that I will forever remain loyal to her."

He then bowed down deep, forehead resting against the floor. And in unison with Hitomi he spoke the final vow.

"As husband and wife we bow before the Hyuuga elders and pledge allegiance to the clan of our forefathers to which we both owe our heritage."

The elders rose from their seats and looked out over the crowd before their leader spoke.

"Gathered members of the Hyuuga family, do you as representatives for our great clan accept their promises?"

A thunder of applause was the immediate response and Neji caught the glimpse of Hinatas unmoving figure among the cheering crowd. She looked like she was on the edge of tears and would start crying any second. He caught her eyes and forced himself to smile, to show her that he was ok. She put her hand up to shield her mouth and then, with shoulders shaking from unshed tears, she turned around and more or less ran out of the room. Neji wished he could have done the same as he scanned the crowd for that familiar face.

_'Please forgive me Shikamaru. I know it should have been you'_

But Shikamaru was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Authors Note: This one-shot was created as a result of listening to '_Fanfanfan (kl 03.00 på natten)' _by the Swedish singer Thåström repeatedly for almost three hours. I strongly suggest listening to it as it is one of my favorite songs and it goes well with the mood in this one-shot. If you are interested, and don't understand a word of Swedish, send me a pm or a mail and I'll send you a translation of the lyrics. I tried my best but this was the way it wanted to be written so I apologize to those of you that find the slight OOCness disturbing.

First: Thanks a lot to all of you who read this story ^^ Second: It would mean the world to me if you could spend just one more minute of your time on me and write a review, just a few words are enough and would brighten my day enormously.

AN#2: I want to send extra thanxs to my reviewer Youkai chick supreme who pointed out some very serious gramatical errors in this, I tried my best to correct them so hopefully it's better now that I reposted it (20090722) ^^

/Tikvah


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Narutoverse; this story is just my imagination playing with the wonderful creations of Masashi Kishimoto. Neither do I own the song or the lyrics used in this story; they are the properties of their creator Thåström.

Warnings: Un Beta'd, OOC-ness, Shonen-ai, references to sexual situations, p Possible spoilers from manga chapter 326 and onwards and my OC decided to take on a larger role than before.

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To all who sent the last chapter a review; this is for you.

**Chapter II**

----------Neji----------

The gathering had reached its end and Neji released a relieved sigh as he was finally free from the constant congratulations and well wishes from people he hardly knew. He gazed out over the garden surrounding the small house he and Hitomi currently were in. Far away in the distance the outer walls of the Hyuuga compound was clearly contrasted as a dark shadow against the orange sky of sunset. They were just far away enough so that the curious eyes of clan members wouldn't reach them, but still close enough to show that they were still in the clans' grasp. The soft sound of feet sliding over a wooden floor came up to him and there was a rustle of fabric as Hitomi sat down on the porch beside him. Neji kept his eyes on the burning sky, Hitomi on her hands folded in her lap. For a moment they sat in silence, neither of them looking at the other until she took a deep breath and carefully placed one of her hands on his knee.

"I'm going to bed now…will you accompany me?"

Neji closed his eyes and had to stop himself from frowning. That was it wasn't it? The reason he was sitting here freshly married to a girl more than ten years younger than him he never even had met until this morning, the reason he could not have what his heart yearned for. It was the last and foremost duty towards his clan, preservation of the perfect eyes, creating a stronger bloodline. He wasn't sure he would be able to do what the clan demanded of him but when he had spoken the promise earlier that day he had sealed himself and there were no other choices for him now. Neji swallowed the lump of anger building in his throat and forced himself to answer, his face still turned towards the setting sun.

"I would like the watch the sunset for a while longer but go ahead, I will join you later."

Hitomi stood and the sound of her feet walking away faded as Neji was once again left alone on the porch. His eyes wandered over the garden and the slowly growing shadows from the trees that stretched towards him. In his mind the shadows turned to familiar hands; they reached for him, asked him to join them, to come back. He wanted nothing more than to grasp that offer and follow them but the moment he stood up to hand himself over, the illusion dispelled and the shadows returned to normal. There were no longer hands reaching for him, just the dark outlines of trees.

Never again would the shadows reaching for him be anything other than just shadows and Neji felt his chest contrast painfully at that thought. Up until now, even if they weren't together they were still in the same village, he could at least see Shikamaru but tomorrow all he would have left would be memories. And all memories fade, some slower than others but over time all that is left is the memory of having a memory. Neji was going to lose the one thing that had ever made him truly happy and it wasn't until now that he understood just how deep that loss would be.

He turned to leave the garden and all the pain inducing shadows behind. When his eyes left the ground he visibly flinched as he caught sight of Hitomi leaning in the doorway, cursing himself for not noticing her return.

She smiled at his surprise but soon her face shifted into seriousness.

"I know your heart does not belong to me."

The surprise he felt must have been written all over his face because she quickly continued.

"I know you never wanted this marriage."

Neji hesitated, what was he suppose to say now. The most strategically correct choice would be to tell her that she was wrong and ensure her of his devotion to their marriage, but that was something he wasn't sure he wanted to do. Hitomi frowned.

"Even if you never wanted to be you are my husband. I know that we will probably never have love but I hope that we can at least have honesty and trust in each other. Please, Neji, do not lie to me"

She was right of course and he knew it, trust and honesty was probably the only thing he could ever offer her but it was still hard for him to face that young girl whose future had been taken away from her for his sake and tell her that he never wanted it. To tell her the truth and reveal that she was as much a pawn in the schemes of the clan as he was. Neji and sat down on the edge of the porch but this time he kept his eyes firmly fixated on hers.

"You are correct; I never wanted to be married... to anyone. The way the elders had planned it, my marriage was supposed to be within the branch family, the perfect byakugan completely in their control forever. But I refused; I defied them and told them that I would never ever put my children under the same curse that I bear. No matter what I could never bring myself to take away the freedom from someone not yet born, I'd rather die before I did that. They punished me of course and I thought that I had succeeded. I was wrong."

Neji reached out and grabbed Hitomi's hand and pulled her down to sit beside him again.

"You must understand that for someone like me it is impossible to refuse the great honor of being offered to marry someone like you, at least not without severe consequences. I am truly sorry that my… reluctance to accept my place led to this and that the prize of me submitting to the elders will had to be your future."

Neji was surprised as she smiled at him and slowly shook her head. He had expected her to be angry or upset but she seemed far from it.

"First, I do not think that I have in any way "lost my future" as you seem to do. This is what the clan wants me to do and I am glad that they deem me capable of the task appointed to me. Secondly, thank you for being honest with me, but that was not the complete truth was it?"

Her eyes held something akin to sympathy and Neji turned his eyes to the shadows on the ground again.

"No, but the rest I wish to keep to myself."

"I can understand that. But I'm not stupid, I know that I can never replace that person you think of and I want you to know that I am truly sorry you lost her because of this…because of me."

At first he was shocked that she had found out so quickly and a bit angry at her. If she said she knew then she should also be able to figure out that he didn't want to talk about it, that it hurt to think about what he could never have. But it wasn't her fault and she held no responsibility for his loss.

"It was never meant to last, and we both knew it, do not feel guilty for someone else's decision." The bitterness in Neji's voice when he answered surprised even him.

"But-"

"If someone is to blame it is me. You have to remember the difference between us, I may not act like it, and I may have more space than most, but I have always been a caged bird."

He lowered his voice to a whisper, the next words directed more to himself than the girl beside him.

"And birds living in cages are never allowed to fly too far away, to have too much freedom…even if their only desire is to soar with the clouds."

Neji tilted his head back and stared at the sky above; loosing himself for a moment in memories of other sunsets spent staring, not at the setting sun, but up at the clouds.

"Tell me what she is like" Hitomi's whispered voice brought his thoughts back to the present and he looked at her with a small frown.

"Why?"

She lowered her head and looked at her hands while playing with her fingers, and then she smiled somewhat sadly.

"Because wish that I could have someone feel like that for me to, I wonder what it would be like… I guess you could say I envy her."

Neji closed his eyes and conjured the image of Shikamaru that was always so close in his mind.

"She's a very smart and talented shinobi. She always puts the lives of her comrades before the mission and she will give anything to protect and fight her friends and this village. But I guess anyone would tell you that. She is has this wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor that always kind of glitters behind her eyes. The eyes are what really draw you in the most." He paused for a moment.

"Have you ever watched a lake at night? They are just like that, almost but not quite black. Dark and calm but you just know that there's something more beneath that surface. They're almost secretive and you feel like falling into them just to find out what that something hiding in the deep is…"

"Wow that has to be the sweetest thing I've ever heard. What's her name?"

"Shikamaru"

"Shikamaru?" Hitomi's voice brought him back to the present and Neji felt a slight panic spreading in his stomach; this was bad, really bad. He had not meant to let the name slip, ever, but he was too lost in his own description to realize his mistake until it was too late. Some ninja he was… he prayed that she wouldn't figure out too much from the name but those prayers were lost when he watched with horror as understanding slowly dawned on Hitomi's face.

"But… that's not a girls na- Oh!"

She went silent and Neji tensed, waiting for the burning pain he was sure to hit him any second now. She had thrown her future away on a guy who not only didn't want to married but who also had a male lover, he would have been pissed if he was her and he wouldn't have hesitated for one second to activate the seal. All she had to do was to form the sign and say the incantation. Neji steeled himself and held his breath as he watched Hitomi slowly raise her arms. He watched, as in slow motion, how she drew a deep breath and then-

"Iiiiihhhh!!!!" she flung herself around his neck and gave him a brief hug before she released him and squealed, yes squealed, again. Neji was too shocked to do anything and his mind was completely blank, save for three words.

"What the-? "And that was all that left his lips as he continued to stare at his bride who seemed ridiculously happy. Apparently his mind, usually equipped with an excellent vocabulary was too stunned to even articulate the entire length of his three word thought.

He stared at her completely dumbstruck and tried really hard to follow when she finally gave up the squealing sound and started spurting sentences with a speed that surpassed even that of Narutos.

"I can't believe this, I'm so lucky! It's like I have my private shonen-ai novel acted out right in front of me! Who is it? What does he look like? Is he cute? I bet he is… no wait- it was that guy at the wedding today, yes it has to be, the one with the funny hair. Yes, you would look so good together. Who's the seme? No wait don't tell it's more exiting if it's a secret. How did you meet? It has to be something romantic, like a rescue or something, yes that has to be it! So sad and so perfect, the forbidden love, torn apart by the evil family– wait that means that I'm the awful new lover, yuck! But I'd never be like that, oh wait I just had the best idea ever. The elders told me you were sort of a trouble maker so I bet you think so too. And to tell the truth I'm kinda relieved, not that you're not handsome, you are. I just think it's really scary…can you believe they actually would have us- nope not anymore. In your face mom! But don't tell her I said that. We could always- but only if you do the same for me, yes the perfect deal! I'm just so clever sometimes, don't you think so too, Neji?"

He sat silent for a second while his brain tried to process what she had just told him but he was clearly missing out on something because her speech just weren't making any sense at all to him, not to mention she had failed to explain exactly what this plan that had her all excited was.

"Erm…take that last bit one more time, I think I missed something."

She gave him a look and then explained herself once more with the kind of patient voice used on children to explain something for them you have already said at least fourteen times.

"Ok, listen carefully."

***

Two hours later Neji was still sitting outside with Hitomi by his side, the sun had set a long ago and the only reason he would be able to see anything further away than three meters from the dimly lit porch was his bloodline. The clouds that were thick in the sky blocked all light from above; only in the distance could he see faint lights in the form of the houses and streetlights of Konoha. To be honest Neji was surprised by how easy it was to get along with and talk to the girl beside him. She had a sharp mind and a sense of humor similar to his, she was a good listener and once he managed to wrap his mind around the fact that she not only did not mind his preferences, but actually preferred it that way, he found it increasingly easy to answer her many questions regarding him and Shikamaru.

At first it was painful but somehow, in the last hour or so, he found that the pain and bitter longing had dimmed and been replaced by something else. He felt a sort of pride and sense of contentment thinking back on, and sharing, different stories from their relationship. Hitomi encouraged him to go on and he found himself thinking that living together with her might not be as bad as he initially expected. He paused in the middle of a story and frowned slightly, looking over at the young girl by his side. To be completely honest, he could see himself growing attached to her and if he had been straight then maybe even growing to love her in the years to come. There was something in Hitomi that reminded him of Shikamaru and even if he couldn't put his finger on what, it made him feel more at ease. He shook his head a bit and finished the story.

Hitomi faced him with that look in her eyes he had learnt meant that she was about to ask yet another question.

"You really do love him don't you?"

Her face was filled with curiosity and interest, she smiled happily at him and he felt himself smile back at her. It was not the question he had expected but still…

"Yeah…I guess I do."

Her face changed into confusion.

"What do you mean, "you guess", either you do or you don't"

Neji chuckled at her confused appearance; it was easy to forget that she was still, in one way, very inexperienced.

"I do, I just never said it out loud like that before, we never needed any labels it just… was."

Hitomi's eyes widened drastically and she clasped her hands over her mouth before gasping loudly.

"Oh my god! You never told him?"

Neji's smiled widened, Hitomi had been acting like an adult all day but now when there was just the two of them suddenly she had dropped that façade and he was pleasantly surprised by the innocent girl he had found behind it. Apparently Hitomi didn't appreciate his smiling at all, because she punched his arm. Hard.

"Why are you smiling? That's just horribly wrong! You're supposed to be this genius but you don't tell your boyfriend you love him! He obviously loves you enough to show up at your friggin wedding but you never, ever, not once, told him how you feel? Can you possibly get any more stupid than that!" she paused and her face slowly lit up with determination.

"You have to go and tell him"

--------------Shikamaru---------------

He inhaled deep and held the smoke in his lounges for a long time before slowly exhaling again. The smoke making swirls in the week light from the light post outside his window. Without taking his eyes off the smoke he ground out the cigarette in the already filled ashtray on the table beside his bed where he was currently laying. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice reminded him that he had smoked far too much this evening, that he needed to empty the ashtray and that it was really dangerous smoking in bed. He couldn't care less.

Sighing he reached into the package on his stomach and pulled out yet another cigarette, how many had he smoked today? He couldn't remember. He stroked the side of his silver lighter affectionately before lightening his cigarette and placing the lighter back on his chest. The metal was cold against his skin but he paid it no attention, focusing instead on the wisp of smoke in the light as he exhaled again. It curled its way up towards the roof making almost cloud like shapes in the dim light.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, his eyes never left the trail of smoke. It reminded him of cloud gazing but the shapes changed so much faster, with every new exhale a different current of smoke with its own distinct pattern trailed up towards the roof. The silvery smoke burned his throat and made his eyes tear up, just like it was supposed to. He drew a last puff from the cigarette still following the silvery wisp of smoke with his eyes as it made the mist lingering by the roof just a little less transparent.

He wondered how long he would have to stay in bed to create a cloud of smoke. He almost smiled at the thought of having his own personal cloud in the room, to have that silvery air available for cloud gazing even when there were no clouds outside. A flash of memory and his chest constricted painfully as it went through his mind.

"_What are you staring at?" Neji turned his head to the side and met his eyes. "I thought the point of this thing was to watch clouds."_

_Shikamaru shrugged slightly before reaching out and tuck a long strand of dark hair away from Neji's face. _

"_Your eyes."_

_Neji's lips curled slightly into that familiar smirk._

"_Sorry to disappoint you but I doubt that is the right way to discover the secrets of the byakugan. It's too obvious, Nara." _

_Shikamaru shook his head and smiled. The elders in the Hyuuga didn't like them spending as much time together as they did and had just the day before warned Neji about giving away too much information on their most precious technique. Neji had laughed as he told Shikamaru about it earlier. If he wanted to figure the byakugan out he would probably do so with or without anybody's help and they both knew it. _

"_Nah, I think I'll leave the byakugan to you, dōjutsus are too troublesome for me."_

_Neji shifted and raised himself on one elbow, leaning over so that his face was almost right above Shikamaru's. He didn't say anything but Shikamaru could clearly see the question and curiosity swirling in the pale eyes. He smiled._

"_It's not the byakugan, it's your eyes. They remind me of clouds… it's almost as if I have one of my own." He reached up and traced the side of Neji's face with two fingers. "My own personal clouds in my own personal heaven."_

"_That has to be the corniest thing I've ever heard, where did you get that, the Icha Icha paradise?" The voice was mocking but for Shikamaru it was easy to see that the pale eyes glowed bright with happiness._

He ground the finished cigarette hard in the ashtray and automatically reached for a new one but when his fingers felt nothing but carton he realized that the package was empty. Irritated he threw it across the room, the sound of paper hitting paper as it as it landed on the other empty ones piled up in the corner echoed loud in the otherwise quiet room. He sighed and turned over on his side, the moisture in his eyes was still there; he could feel it as it slowly flooded over and made its way down his cheek, tickling his ear. Damn it, this was why he liked smoking, it made his eyes tear up so that he wouldn't have to face himself crying.

Angrily he wiped at his eyes with his hand and smacked himself on the head. He had known it would turn out like this. That was why the original plan was to stay in bed all day long and skip the painful part in the middle. But of course his heart didn't listen to such arguments and he had left his bed and been stupid enough to go outside, even if he already knew where he would end up. And when he was there it just had to make him go inside even if he knew it would be painful. Then when the inevitable pain came and his bruised and scarred heart finally gave up control he did what he knew he would do all along. He went home, locked himself in his room and lay on his bed accompanied by a lot of smoke. But now there were no more cigarettes. He really wished that he would listen to his brain in the future, what good was his ridiculously active brain if he didn't listen to it?

Shikamaru glanced at the clock on his bedside table, it was almost midnight and he had work tomorrow. Still on the bed he removed his clothes, throwing them away randomly, before he crawled under the covers. He closed his eyes and slowed his breathing; sometimes the fastest way to fall asleep was to pretend you already were. His felt divided, his body was heavy and ached with the need to sleep and at the same time his mind was working furiously, still as active and alert as ever. The ashen taste in his mouth reminded his that he needed to brush his teeth but he didn't want to leave the bed. He told himself it was to troublesome to get up again now when he was on the verge of sleep but in reality he knew this would be another one of those sleepless nights.

The quiet sounds grew in the darkness and he let the many voices of night fill his ears. It fascinated him how different his part of Konoha seemed at night. The noisy people that dominated the day had retreated and now it was the surroundings that spoke instead. The low electrical humming from the refrigerator in his kitchen mixed with the swooshing, almost breathing-like, sound of the trees outside. The wind that made the trees breathe also made the buildings creak and give away snapping sounds. Somewhere in the east a trashcan fell to the ground followed by pair of powerful barks, probably from the Inuzukas, but as soon as it had begun it ended and the small sounds were once again in charge. He was by now very familiar with these sounds, yes, they varied from night to night but at the same time they always remained the same. This was the lullaby Konoha sang for the restless souls awake when the rest were sleeping, and Shikamaru had joined the ranks of those who regularly listened to it.

Tap, tap, tap, the faintest sound of footsteps disturbed the balance of the song and made Shikamaru frown; they were not part of the usual sounds. But when he tried to focus on them they faded into the surrounding sounds, and although he strained his ears for more than ten minutes he couldn't hear them again. It was as if they never existed in the first place. It was probably just his mind playing tricks on him but he was trained to always be on his guard, to always suspect everything. He concentrated and reached out with his chakra, scanning his surroundings, and then he felt it. There was a faint trace of chakra slowly escalating the building and approaching his window, it was masterfully disguised, even now as he was concentrating he barely felt it move. When he concluded this Shikamaru was certain the person outside was at least Jounin, most likely ANBU level. He felt the presence stop moving just below his window and he smirked. If the person tried to enter his room, the moment he opened the window he would put himself in a check-mate.

The Hokage had at first been opposed to the idea of her war leader living so far from the Hokage tower and ANBU headquarters but she soon had given into his reasoning and even helped him buy the apartment. This room was perfect for him in many ways; it was almost at the top of one of the highest buildings in Konoha and since it was situated on the edge of town it provided him with a perfect view of the town and, more importantly, all of its strategically valuable points. But right now the thing that made it his ideal home was the large bedroom window. It was placed so that the sun would create deep shadows inside during all hours of the day and at night the streetlight outside provided him with the same ideal tool for his self defense. Anyone entering the room unwelcomed would quickly and inevitably fall victim to his shadows and by the looks of it that was exactly what was about to happen now.

On his side, with his back still facing the window, Shikamaru formed the sign and waited. The window barely made a sound as it was opened but this time barely was just enough. Several hands materialized out of the darkness and yanked the attacker forward into the room before they quickly started to slither their way round and up the body in pursuit of their target. That was when Shikamaru temporarily forgot how to breathe.

He felt everything as the shadows bound their victim like a snake curling around its prey; he felt everything the shadows felt and the feeling scorched his heart. Even through the fabric of clothes he could feel the outlines of the muscled body beneath, and he would know that body anywhere. How many times had it not been his own fingers tracing the same firm stomach that his shadows now were wrapped around? How many times had he not fallen asleep on that chest? Shikamaru had every curve, every indent on that body burned into his memory forever and even now he could easily conjure the image of that impossible pale, creamy, skin under his hands.

As he rose from the bed and faced his intruder the shadows slowly, almost regretfully, crawled back to the floor, no longer threatening to crush and suffocate but still keeping their hold on the others body. Shikamaru took one step closer and quickly pulled his hair in the usual way, his visitor mimicking his every move just like a mirror.

"What do you want Neji?"

His voice was rough and he already felt tired, worn out, by the meeting. Whatever had brought Neji here was something Shikamaru felt 'troublesome' could not even begin to describe. He was silently glad that the dark room and the light falling in from behind prevented him from seeing Neji's face clearly, his inside was bruised enough for one day…and he was out of cigarettes.

Neji didn't answer his question; instead Shikamaru could see how his pale eyes slowly swept across the room, taking in everything but Shikamaru's face.

There is a stubborn rumor that it is impossible to tell where someone with the byakugan is looking because of their lack of a visible pupil. It is not true, it is harder, yes, but not impossible. Not many people is aware of the fact that there is more ways to see where someone is looking besides following the eye itself, unfortunately for Neji, Shikamaru was not only aware of this trick but also very good at it. When he noticed that Neji was avoiding his face, it made him angry. _'Yes that's right take a good look around, look at this mess. I want you to look at me, look at my face and see what you have done... but you're too much of a coward to do that aren't you?'_ he repeated his question, his voice harder this time.

"What do you want?"

Neji's eyes took another tour round the room before finally turning to his face and seize Shikamaru's eyes.

There was a small frown on Neji's face when he finally spoke.

"You shouldn't smoke so much."

"I happen to like smoking" His voice was defensive but they both knew it was a lie, Shikamaru sighed.

"Please get whatever it is over with and leave, I'm tired."

Neji's eyes took another tour around the room, lingering longer on the mess before they returned and sank to the floor.

"I thought you'd be asleep"

"I tried." Shikamaru snapped.

He needed Neji to leave, it was difficult having him so close and he could feel his energy withering away slowly with each minute. This room was his refuge, the only place where he could let go completely, the state of the room was a reflection of himself, and even if Neji had already seen the mess Shikamaru could not allow himself to fall apart when Neji was still there.

"Neji, it's your wedding night, stop stalling, say what you have to say and go back to your wi- to your home, before I make you fall out of that window."

His voice was a low drawl just dark enough to make the threat seem real even if Shikamaru knew he wouldn't do it like that, he would make Neji leave yes, but not like that. He silently prayed for Neji to get it over with and go home so this day could finally end, it was much too troublesome for him to deal with.

----------Neji----------

The first thing Neji noticed when he looked around Shikamaru's apartment had been the many filled ashtrays in the room, every single flat surface in the room held at least one and in the far away corner was a pile of crumpled, empty cigarette packages. Everything was drenched in the smell of smoke and the many scrolls and books littering the room seemed to have taken on a slightly yellow color, or maybe that was just the dust. But the thing that struck Neji the most was not the disarray of Shikamaru's always so well organized room, but Shikamaru himself.

Shikamaru seemed completely unaware that he wore nothing else than his boxers which caused a weak flutter of lust stirring in Neji, in another situation he would have found himself unable to tear away his eyes but now he was almost glad to do so. Underneath the clothes earlier that day Neji had been oblivious to how thin and pale Shikamaru's body had grown, earlier that day he hadn't fully noticed the darkness under those coal eyes, he hadn't seen how faded their spark was, but now he did and what he saw made him hate himself.

Shikamaru stood in front of him, his naked skin almost glowing in the faint light; he was tired from lack of sleep, lack of food and too much nicotine, the dark eyes were filled with a kind of desperation. It was evident he had been hurt and broken but in that moment Neji thought Shikamaru was more beautiful than ever.

"Neji, it's your wedding night, stop stalling, say what you have to say and go back to your wi- to your home, before I make you fall out of that window"

Neji knew this was probably his only chance to say what he came here to say, screw Hitomi's plan, everything else could o wrong as long as he managed to say this right. _'Dad, I hope you can hear me because if there ever was a time I needed your help, it is now.'_

Neji tried his best to relax despite his uncooperative body and drew a deep breath before looking Shikamaru straight in the eye.

"I don't think you know this but you've always fascinated me. Ever since the first time I saw you there was something about you that seemed…different from the others. Back then I wasn't very attentive of others but somehow you still caught my attention and it intrigued me, I was drawn to you in a way I couldn't understand. Of course I was not very good with understanding my emotions then…"

He silenced and felt a coldness in his chest just thinking about the person he used to be, how deeply he had ensnared himself in all that hurt and anger, all that hatred. To think of how he had almost killed, no murdered, his now deeply beloved cousin and then been furious to find out that he was prevented from going through with it. Neji drew another deep breath and shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts, he didn't need them now.

"But I changed" he finally said "and with that my relationship to and view upon the others around me changed as well, but not you. You still stood apart from them as something else and I found that very disturbing and annoying because I could not make any sense of it."

Something almost like shock or anger started to grow on Shikamaru's face and even though he found it terrifying Neji forced himself to continue.

"It never changed, even after I realized what it was, it didn't change. That day in the cave…I should have stopped, I shouldn't have let it develop the way it did but I just couldn't do it. I had dreamed about that, about you, for so long and I just couldn't stop. Not even later when we agreed to end it…I just couldn't let go of you."

His voice was growing shaky and he if he could he would have reached out to Shikamaru but he was still not in control of himself and his arms stayed as they were. His eyes burned but if it was from the tears starting to form or from all the emotions he tried to convey through them, he could not say.

"I still can't stop, Shikamaru… today when I saw you I-" he swallowed the lump in his throat "I- what I mean to say is that all this time I knew I- it should have been you" he sighed "you have no idea how much I wanted it to be you".

There it was, he had failed. Those were not the words he came here to say but Shikamaru was smart, he must be able to see the real meaning hiding behind all the other words. He had to hear those three words underneath it all right? It was just three words but Neji found that he just couldn't say them, not now when he was forever chained to another person, not now when Shikamaru's eyes looked at him so dark and cold. When Neji saw the anger in Shikamaru's eyes he knew that it did not matter if Shikamaru had heard the hidden words or not, he had had his chance but never used it and he had failed now because he did not deserve to have another.

"So that's it? You come here on your fucking wedding night, no doubt right after leaving the bed with your _wife_ still in it, and you to try and take me back? You're fucking unbelievable."

Shikamaru's voice was harsh and filled with venom, Neji felt he deserved it; he deserved anything Shikamaru might throw at him. It hurt to see what he had done to the one person he loved, all the ashtrays, the pale skinny body, each detail stabbed him harder than any words ever could.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" the voice was still hard but it trembled under the force from a different emotion threatening to take over.

Neji reminded himself that he deserved whatever might come and straightened his neck, forcing himself not to avoid those hard eyes directed at him.

"I never touched her and I'm not going to either. As for the second part, I can't _'take you back' _because I have no right to, I can only beg and hope that you do not hate me, that's the only right I have left."

"Why do you say all these things? Why now when it won't change anything?" The anger was drained from Shikamaru's voice and now it sounded tired, sad and tired.

"You have a wife Neji and I bet she's waiting for you. I'm so tired of all of this, please just go home and leave me alone"

Neji hesitated, maybe he should do what Shikamaru told him to and give up and go home. Things were not as he had imagined them to be and he could feel that he wasn't welcome, no, even worse, it felt as if he was an intruder. He could see that his presence disturbed Shikamaru and in one way his lover was right, Hitomi was waiting for him, just not the way Shikamaru believed. But he couldn't just give up and run away when this was his last night in Konoha for many days to come. This was his last night; his last battle and he had to be willing to gamble if he wanted to win. Neji felt his resolve grow; he wouldn't leave just yet, not until he had told Shikamaru everything. He knew he would not be able to face himself carrying the thoughts that maybe if he had told Shikamaru more, things would have turned out different. He might be thrown out of a very high window, yes, but Shikamaru hadn't killed him yet so it was a risk worth taking. Neji drew a deep breath.

"She's not waiting for me. She knows where I am and why I left." The dark eyes meeting his hardened and made Neji feel like a traitor but he had to go on.

"I never meant for her to know, but she figured out somehow and I told her the rest." He paused for a while and felt the need to fidget under the hard gaze lingering upon him.

"I'm not sure why, but it made her happy and she offered to make a kind of deal just between the two of us."

The dark eyes glittered and Neji felt how they analyzed him, searching for god knows what. "And it is this deal of yours that brings you here?" the voice was distant and Neji nodded in response.

"Yes, the deal is that I turn a blind eye to whatever relationships she might have and in return she'd give me this chance to save whatever is left of that which means the most to me." Neji grew silent and wished that he had his hands free so that he could have knocked himself with them. That was once again not how he wanted to say it, but it was hard for him to resist his habit of hiding behind words. He just hoped Shikamaru would listen to the feelings underneath instead of their camouflage.

"So you're here because you want me to take you back? Because you feel the need to be with me?" Shikamaru's voice seemed hesitant and Neji felt how a small hope flared inside him.

"If I say yes, if I agree to this, does that mean things will go back to the way they were?" Neji nodded and the small hope grew. He was about to speak but held his tongue when he saw how distant Shikamaru's eyes had become. They were not focused on him anymore but turned inwards. It was almost as if he could see his words being picked apart and scrutinized from all possible angles inside Shikamaru's head.

"You're wrong." the eyes came back to the present and the voice he loved so much was hard and cold again.

"What it will mean is this; I get the opportunity to hang around here and wait for you until I feel I'll become sick from not seeing you. And it gets even better because when the time comes and she changes her mind I'll have the privilege of getting my heart torn apart by you again since the first time just wasn't enough."

Neji started to protest but was cut off.

"Don't! That is what will happen. It goes like this: the main family puts a little pressure on your wife, she'll snap her fingers and you'll throw me aside without a second thought, again."

Shikamaru's word's slapped him in the face and he was angry, hurt that the one person he loved would think of him that way.

"That's not how it was!" he yelled and even he could hear the tears breaking through. "I fought for you, I tried to get out of it, I-"

"Hinata told me. And that's just it; you fought _for_ me, not _with_ me. You should have told me, Neji. Not that it matters now, because in the end you have to do what they say. That is why when she changes her mind you'll leave. We'll both know it was not your choice and I honestly don't think I can deal with that again." The voice was tired again and Neji's heart ached when he saw the sadness hiding inside a tender gaze.

There was no idea denying the horrible truth behind Shikamaru's words, he should have said something before leaving, he knew that. Neji had only been trying to protect Shikamaru and he felt no shame in that but the way he had done it left him sick to the stomach of himself. Neji realized something then, Shikamaru was afraid of being hurt again. He was afraid because some part of him believed in this chance, because just like Neji he could not let go.

"She's not going to change her mind" Neji put every ounce of conviction in his voice, he could not let go of Shikamaru and therefore he could not afford to lose this gamble.

Shikamaru sighed and shook his head.

"Yes she will. She's what, fifteen? And she feels trapped just like everyone else in your clan. This is her rebellion but when she's finished she'll give in and take her place just like she's raised to do."

Neji let the remark about his clan pass, it was somewhat true anyway.

"She's not going to change her mind. Yes, maybe she wants to rebel against the elders but that is beside the point. The point is that she has had her future taken away from her, don't you see? This is the only chance she has left at shaping her own life and she is not going to give that away."

"It's not going to last, no matter how much you believe in this, it's not going to last!" Neji was stunned; Shikamaru that had been so strong and cold the entire time was crumbling in front of his eyes, he was vulnerable but the intensity of his words still struck hard at Neji.

"It wasn't supposed to last; it wasn't supposed to be anything serious. It wasn't even supposed to happen! You said so yourself, you said you should have stopped it. Why didn't you? And why'd you have to come back and say all these things. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be like this now. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have had to go through all this shit! It's all your fault!!

Neji felt like he was falling, he had taken a gamble and now it was clear to him that he had lost. He felt his defeat crush the last bits of his newly discovered hope into tiny shards within him. People always says there's a thin line between love and hate and he knew himself how those two opposites could feed the intensity of the other but still… when he had met Shikamaru's eyes at the wedding there had been no hate in them, this morning those eyes still belonged to _his_ Shikamaru. But he had lost this gamble and Shikamaru was not within Neji's reach anymore.

"I actually made you hate me…"

Neji lowered his eyes and blinked furiously to get rid of the fuzziness threatening to obscure his view. Then suddenly he felt how a huge weight lifted from him and was surprised to see the retreating shadows crawling down his legs. He hadn't been struggling so he knew Shikamaru could have held him for almost twenty more minutes without any problems. Shikamaru stepped closer and Neji raised his eyes in time to see a half amused smile grazing Shikamaru's features as he came closer, shaking his head slowly from side to side.

"You know, after you so gracefully dumped me I tried my hardest to hate you, just like you said I should, but it seems I'm not very good at that."

Neji watched silently as Shikamaru stepped even closer still and deliberately placed a hand on Neji's chest. Even if he was free to move on his own now his body was still locked dead still and he could feel his pulse racing like a wave of heat throughout his body. He swallowed hard and tried desperately to keep the small shards of hope from reattaching themselves inside. It was all his imagination, a waking dream that would be ripped from him any minute now but despite all his doubts he could not stop himself and when the hand on his chest slowly circled his neck he moved without any hesitation.

With something close to a forceful yanking Neji brought Shikamaru's bare body close to his in a firm embrace and he felt the arms round him tightening their grip in response. For a long time they just stood there embracing before Neji silently murmured soft words to the skin on Shikamaru's neck.

He didn't really have any idea of what words dropped from his lips but he couldn't hold them back once he started and almost feverishly the words kept flowing from his lips, all a gibberish mixture of apologies and endearments, into the soft skin laid bare beneath them too fragile to be out in the open air, too precious to be left unguarded. Every word brought a faint taste of moonlight and cold skin into his mouth along with a much more familiar one and Neji drew a deep shuddering breath through his nose. It was insane how much he had longed for that taste and that scent; he just could not imagine how he had ever managed to be without it.

A warm hand entangled itself gently in the hair in his neck and he leaned into the touch.

"Don't cry, I'm right here… I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here." It was only then Neji felt the wetness dripping from the tip of his nose onto the softness below and he tightened his grip on Shikamaru who understood and returned the crushing embrace. The embrace was almost painful but filled with tenderness at the same time; it was almost as if they were trying to pull the other inside of them just to make sure they would never be ripped apart again. Neither of them said a word but they didn't have to either since their bodies spoke in a much clearer language all they needed to say.

_'I need you'_ it said. '_Never leave me again.' _and underneath all the feelings floating on the surface were a strong current of something much more powerful. It was a feeling of assurance, of security; it was the feeling of returning safely home from a long and dangerous mission. Neji knew with a certainty he had never felt before that this was the place he truly belonged and no cage could ever change that, every fiber in his body told him that now at last everything was as it was supposed to.

Neji smiled and kissed the tanned neck again. _'I knew it. Next to me like this… it should have been you.'_

-:- The end -:-

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I just couldn't help myself... here's my translation of the lyrics that inspired me to write this oneshot- turned -twoshot in the first place, Ladies and Gentlemen I bring you: Fanfanfan (kl03.00 på natten) by Thåström.

_Even though I haven't seen you in such a long time_

_I think about you sometimes_

_There was something that got attached to me_

_Something that never completely disappeared_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_Could I play the game again?_

_Do I get the chance once more?_

_Am I allowed to turn back time, if I'm dealt a new hand?_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_All the bells and choirs_

_All the angels' organs would have played for us_

_All the drums of heaven_

_All the fairytales, all the wonders_

_All at the same time_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_Even though it was such a short romance_

_There was something I should have realized_

_Chances like that will only come once_

_They never come twice_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

_Damn, damn, damn… it should have been you_

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_Authors Notes:Well what do you know; looks like my oneshot grew another chapter. There are many reasons I decided to write another chapter but the biggest reason is that I, like some of my reviewer, felt there was something missing or unfinished with the first chapter. I also felt pretty bad leaving my fav couple in all that angst so I gave them a happy-ish ending. Honestly I'm not sure I like this chapter but it is written and I want to post it even if some part of me thinks that maybe the story would be better off without it.

I would like to send extra praise to Kelakei for sending me my first review ever; I send you lots of love and hope that you'll like this chapter as well.

It makes me so ridiculously happy receiving a review and I hope that after taken the time to read this you'll also take just a few moments to send me a couple of words. They really mean a lot to me and requires very little effort on your part so make an author happy and go ahead and write a review, who knows you might even find it enjoyable ;P

/Tikvah


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